So you think you know a narcissist. After researching the internet of reliable sources for helpful understanding, you now have come to realize that narcissism is a serious personality disorder that you are well acquainted with. Now that you can finally put a name to the face of the self absorption and egotistical nature of the behavior of someone you love, now what?
It’s hard to imagine yourself as being someone’s victim, and being victimized by family; flesh and blood or of romantic relationship. That’s what is so hard to come to grips with, that the love you have invested, the time and effort, the kindness and caring nature you have genuinely shown, did any of it even matter? It’s hard to come to grips that you have been their victim. The good times you had together, was any of it real? It felt real, so how could it be false?
Reflecting on the good times causes you to numb out the bad and let’s face it the bad, was torture; the fits of rage, the lying, the stealing, the unreliable and unstable actions, the manipulation, the betrayal (more than once), the put downs, innuendos, the accusations and the jealousy. Each time you would change your behavior- thinking, no believing something was wrong with you, when now you finally realize that okay you aren’t perfect and don’t want to be, but goodness sakes it really wasn’t you.
Is this what love is? It’s hard to imagine love could ever
bring someone to such tactics but you know because you’ve lived it, so why is
it so hard to let go? Why is it so hard to believe when all the signs direct
you to the clinical problem? You still have so many questions and so few
answers. From someone who knows and who is writing this article from the
perspective of shared experience, the reason why you can’t let go; why we can’t
let go is because of our empathy. But realize this; it was the lack of theirs
that did this to us. It is time to lend empathy to yourself where it is truly
needed and teach yourself how to let go so you can heal and become emotionally
healthy once again. (You can and will get healthy again!)
What is narcissism?
Narcissism is defined as having an exaggerated sense of self entitlement, self importance with equally matched feelings of self admiration and adulation. A narcissist expresses egotism, megalomania with a lack of emotional awareness for other’s feelings. They are fixated in thought and action about achieving their ultimate goals through power and success believing that their personal appearance will enable them to attract greatness through the love of their audience. Yes, for them it is all about the ego and self serving vainglory. No one will match the love a narcissist has for themselves and that there in lies the rub; because what is thought to be vanity is coupled with the dominating effort of inferiority or the fear of not measuring up.
Psychologists have studied narcissism since the early 1800’s and still cannot figure out a known cause leading to no known cure. Therapy is extremely difficult as those who are suspected of having narcissistic personality disorder do not believe nor can they admit they have a problem. It is believed that at least one in three people suffer from narcissism, and occurs more often in males. However because of the lack of frailty in a narcissist, they are hard to diagnose and therefore statistics are assumed to be higher.
How to spot a narcissist:
The behavior of a narcissist is persistent as it is consistent. While they present themselves as charming, exciting and the life of the party as they superficially are fun to be around, having a relationship with a narcissist is extremely negative and challenging, not to mention debilitating. Here are some behavioral traits of a narcissist that you need to be aware of.
Narcissists are manipulative individuals. They require attention
and will manipulate the situation to get you to pay attention to them. They manipulate stories, situations including
your time to the point that you may even find yourself revolving your life
around them. Know someone who may have a need to place themselves as the topic
of importance in conversation and situation? If this behavior is consistent;
you may be in the presence of a narcissist. Even when involved in conversation
that has nothing to do with them, somehow they manage to make the situation all
about them. (I call this bulldozing the conversation.) They express a lack of empathy for others and
are willing to character assassinate anyone whom they feel they have been
disappointed by. Character assassination is a common goal; instead of picking
out the things you have done wrong, in defense of their wrong doing, they
deflect and divert the owness off what they have done wrong to project it onto
your character. The situation of them being hurt is disproportionate to how
they feel; a correction can feel more like a deliberate attempt in fault
finding, and this can lead to the narcissist feeling wounded to which they need
to immediately gain respect. Another trait of narcissistic behavior is one of
arrogance. A narcissist considers themselves to be infallible. They have a
strong sense of self confidence and value their importance over other people’s
value and needs. They are the risk takers and impulsive as they assume they
cannot fail and if they do, they are quick to place the blame irrationally on
others or on situations. They have a sense of entitlement which leads to what
they want they will have regardless of the financial burden or stress placed on
others or themselves. They enjoy the pursuit of money and enjoy spending it as some live beyond their means acquiring debt that sometimes they do not
to pay back. As an 'entitled person' they don't feel as though they have
to pay it back. Credit is a right more than it is a privilege to them. They rationalize their actions including spending and their desires and
always have an excuse for everything. But there are some narcissists who are very savvy with their money. They spend well, save well, or they can be extremely stingy and overly frugal. Let's just call it what it is; cheap. They are fault finders, blamers and take
little to no responsibility for their actions; if those actions are wrong and
negative in nature. They are more than happy and willing to take responsibility for something that goes right!
In all of this negative behavior that seems perfectly find to them, they will in turn disapprove of things that you do that are healthy and rightfully needed and justified. Suddenly you grabbing a coffee is spending too much money. Going out with friends is unnecessary. The things you do to satisfy your needs in a healthy way is unacceptable to them. Many people have said living with a narcissist is like living a roller coaster of a ride- daily. I whole heartedly agree.
As much as the above traits can be found in most narcissists, it
is important to know and recognize the two main types of narcissism; vulnerable
and grandiose because narcissism can be mild or severe and can overlap and show
many variations. Narcissistic behavior does leave one guessing and usually to
the point where the people on the receiving end of all this crazy making second
guesses themselves. Therefore it is important to know what you have gotten yourself into, so you can get yourself out; safely and with little emotional damage as possible.
- Vulnerable narcissists are exactly that; vulnerable. They over compensate for a lack of self esteem and have developed specific coping strategies to deal with deep rooted shame from their youth. It is believed that 'V' narcissists have had to become emotionally self reliant as a coping strategy to deal with their emotionally detached parents who were dismissive, neglectful or abusive; or all three. The emotional vacancy the vulnerable narcissist endured as a child prevented them the safety and security in a nurturing parent-child bonding relationship to which is carried over in adult relationships.
- The vulnerable narcissist seems to care about their partner but only in the way as how their partner perceives them and thus tries to get (not earn) respect. They become defensive when it is suggested they change their behavior as they do not see the need to change. They may have affairs but accuse their partner of being unfaithful especially when not warranted and give into fits of jealousy. They become obsessive about preventing their partner from having an affair or leaving the relationship.
- By nature, when the 'V' narcissist is not treated as they expect to be treated, they tend to express helplessness, and victimization. They undulate between feelings of superiority and inferiority depending on their current situation and feelings and may seek outside help as in the way of support and therapy or turn to an affair. However as soon as they feel the crisis is over, they opt out.
- Grandiose narcissists generally are less sensitive and carry more confidence. They believe they are superior and when they are not treated as they expect to be treated they will go into a rage or seek revenge. They do not like any sort of negative feedback because to them they are flawless. Like 'V' narcissists, they too lack empathy and can become aggressive and violent in behavior without remorse.
- Unlike the Vulnerable narcissist, the grandiose narcissist may have had doting parents who treated them with superiority from early on, and so it is believed that the 'G' narcissist is not compensating in their behavior. When in actuality, they are. They are compensating for a lack of boundaries. They are spoiled and are used to getting what they want and in order to maintain this level of living, they have to adjust their infantile behavior to suit an adult world. They have always been treated in a specific way; and this treatment is something they come to expect in all people.
- 'G’ narcissists are prone to infidelity and have affairs as they do not care about their partner’s feelings of them as they can easily walk out of the relationship if they feel they are not getting the respect and admiration they know they deserve.
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter who was known for his handsomeness. He was known for his looks and because of this his pride and vanity got in the way of true love. He became dismissive towards others love for him and in fact became intolerant to it. Instead he was attracted to himself and had a self love that no one could match or steal his heart away from.
Where does narcissism come from?
According to the legend, the goddess Nemesis wanted to teach Narcissus a lesson and so guided him to a pool to which catching his reflection in it, Narcissus became mesmerized. He could not take his eyes off himself and leave the beauty of his presence. His obsession led to his eventual suicide because he realized that his reflection could never reciprocate the love he desired but was willing to give to himself. A life spent in solitude, desiring what he could not have that was in front of his very nose wasting precious love and energy in a way that would never have any fulfillment.
While this is a Greek tragedy born out of myth it is most believable as it is seen in human behavior; as this is where the term narcissism used in psychology comes from. However the self adulation and extreme devotion to oneself does makes for good Greek story and legend, but narcissism has its origins in biblical history.
“How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!
You said in your heart, “I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain. I will make myself like the Most High. But you are brought down to the grave, to the depths of the pit.” Isaiah 14:12-15
“You were the model of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.” Ezekiel 28: 12
“You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created till wickedness was found in you. Through your widespread trade you were filled with violence, and you sinned.” Ezekiel 28:15-16
“Your heart became proud on account of your beauty and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor.” Ezekiel 28:17
“By your many sins and dishonest trade you have desecrated your sanctuaries.” Ezekiel 28:18
God’s beloved creation became His eternal enemy. The guardian cherub who interacted with Adam and Eve in the garden in Eden was a narcissist; the ultimate narcissist. Displaying all the signs through trickery and deceit Eve played right into his behavior. He tempted her as she was an easy target because she perhaps didn’t know any other behavior from the serpent. He was charming, friendly and certainly knowledgeable. Because of his presence in the garden, it perhaps was assumed by Eve and Adam that this being had rights and freedoms just as they, as he was also known by God; so how could following in his ways ever be wrong?
After their fall, through interaction with satan, Adam and Eve were abandoned by the serpent. He did not help them to cover up their bodies, nor did he stick around to take the blame. He left these two to confess before God and wanted nothing more to do with them. He achieved what he wanted as his vanity took away their innocence proving that they were not better than he. (only in his mind of course.) His actions proved that he was more cunning and that God made a mistake in loving His human creation and God would regret the day He ever turned his back on the cherub. Just like a narcissist to never take responsibility for the wilful personal choice made.
“Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” Genesis 3:15
Many people shun talking about the enemy because of the anticipation of what he spiritually can do. However the above scripture is extremely telling as it shows us that what he spiritually is capable of is only through means of intimidation. (Another trait of a narcissist.) Satan, because of his self serving attitude brought the judgment of God on himself. It is because of satan’s vanity God cursed him to become the opposite. While satan may look at himself with pride, the only way he can validate himself is by bringing his audience to subjugation through fear. His curse puts him ultimately and forever beneath man as God put him beneath the look of wild animals. This is obviously something that satan himself cannot accept. Devoid of sorrowful repentance and genuine regret, satan blames mankind for his fate. It is something that goes part and parcel with narcissism.
Enmity means to be hostile to. To be hostile means to be opposed in feeling, action or character; antagonistic. To be hostile towards someone is a characteristic of an enemy. Satan is hostile towards God’s creation that is why he tempted Eve in the first place. He wanted to be God’s sole object of attention and because of his looks, stature in heaven, and his abilities; he likened himself to be god. Narcissistic individuals do have ‘god complexes’ as they set themselves up above the people they claim to love. They even use God’s name for their own purposes as their hearts are only focused on themselves.
“These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.” Mark 6:6-7
The curse that God put on satan is often misunderstood because it is assumed that satan did not bear children. However reading scripture we know satan’s seed was the reason for the flood. Satan’s "beautiful" children had corrupted God’s children to the point that all mankind sinned against God.
“The Nephilim were on the earth in those days- and also afterward- when the sons of God (angels also known as cherubim) went to the daughters of men and hand children by them.” Genesis 6:4
The giants were narcissists. It does not take a lot of
imagination to assume that this was so. They were hunters of old, and the bible
calls them ‘men of renown’. They made a name for themselves just by their tall
stature and muscular nature. They showed God’s children how great they were and
used intimidation to show that they should be worshiped like the sons of the
sons of gods they were. Goliath, the famous giant that David slew was extremely
intimidating and gloated over the entire Israelite army as they feared his
power over God’s. Why wouldn’t Goliath
act this way? It certainly must have been lonely at the top, but those who
chose to hang around with him were not necessarily cut from the same cloth; but nevertheless
they made their choice.
The giants of biblical antiquity are just one example of two types of narcissists; those who are born and those who are made through influence. Regardless of how the narcissist
comes into being, they come by their fate through choice. When that choice is made, their destiny is set in stone as their
heart is turned to stone. Everyone has a choice, even the children of the enemy. God is fair and just allowing everyone the opportunity to come to know Him, but not everyone takes it as not everyone was meant to.
The alpha male narcissist
The alpha male narcissist in bible antiquity was the individual who was genetically predisposed to narcissism. They inherited this character flaw through genetics. They were the offspring of the 'sons of God' the fallen spiritual beings who chose to take the daughters of men as wives. These children carried the genetic character of the serpent's vanity. These people are what we know as the 'nephilim' they were giants; the mighty hunters and builders of antiquity. They ruled with an iron fist and demanded recognition. However, as the nephilim continued to mate with the human population, the gigantic nature slowly began to weed itself out of recognition, but the character remained true to heart. These individuals do not have a choice but to live out life they way that they are.
Alpha male people of influence in the bible:
- Cain: The first jealous individual, the first murderer.
" Am I my brother's keeper?" Genesis 4:9
- Ham: The first to overthrow patriarchs leadership and was boastful about it.
"Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness and told his two brothers outside." Genesis 9:22
- Nimrod: A hunter and an established leader among the people.
"The first centers of his kingdom were Babylon, Erich, Akkad and Calneh, in Shinar."
- Clans of Canaan: Hitites, Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Zemarites and Hamathites.
"Later the Canaanite clans scattered and the borders of Canaan reached from Sidon toward Gerar as far as Gaza, and then toward Sodom, Gomorah, Admah and Zeboiim, as far as Lasha." Genesis 10:19
"In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure." Genesis 15:16
- Esau: A skillful hunter, 'a man of open country'; a wanderer.
"The older will serve the younger." Genesis 25:23
"Was not Esau Jacob's brother? The LORD says." Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have hated." Malachi 1:2
"Because of the violence against your brother Jacob, you will be covered with shame; you will be destroyed forever." Obadiah 1:12
"The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ' who can bring me down to the ground?" Obadiah 1: 3
"Esau despised his birthright." Genesis 25: 34
- Pharaoh: Oppressed the Israelites and was shrewd against them. His arrogance kept them in subjugation to suit his own purposes.
"Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more numerous." Exodus 1: 9
"The Egyptians came to dread the Israelites and worked them ruthlessly. They made their lives bitter with hard labor." Exodus 1:14
" Every boy that is born you must throw into the Nile, but let every girl live." Exodus 1:22
"Only be sure that Pharaoh does not act deceitfully again by not letting the people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD." Exodus 8:29
- Delilah: Sampson's love who betrayed him as her loyalty was not with him.
"Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued."
"You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied." Judges 16:10
- Goliath: He was over nine feed tall, and was a man whose power could not be matched. He taunted God's army in arrogance.
"Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me." 1 Samuel 17:4
- Nebuchadnezzar Chaldean King, the king of Babylon who took took Israel into Babylonian captivity.
" Therefore, O king, be pleased to accept my advice: Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue." Daniel 4:17
- The Pharisees and Sadducees: The were the teachers and the scribes of the Law of the New Testament. They were arrogant and made it extremely difficult for people to know God as they taught the Law of Moses according to deeds and not a willingness of heart. Jesus confronted these men and these men in their offense to the TRUTH of Jesus testimony tried many times to kill Him.
" You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34
" You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. " John 8:44
"They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?" Jesus replied, " I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. I know you are Abraham's descendants. Yet you are ready to kill me, because you have no room for my word. I am telling you what I have seen in the Father's presence, and you do what you have heard from your father." John 8: 33
"Abraham is our father," they answered. " If you were Abraham's children," Said Jesus, "Then you would do the things Abraham did. As it is, you are determined to kill me, a man who has told you the truth that I heard from God. Abraham did not do such things. You are doing the things your own father does."
"We are not illegitimate children, " they protested. " The only Father we have is God himself." Jesus said to them, "If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God and now am here. I have not come on my own; but he sent me. Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say." John 8:41-43
"I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I am NOT SEEKING GLORY FOR MYSELF; but there is one who seeks it and he is the judge. I tell you the truth if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death." John 8:49
"If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing." John 8:54 ( Jesus)
"I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father's name speak for me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep." John 10:25
The Old Testament bible is full of stories of an ancient race that was against God. The above is only a short example, ending with important insight to show that the race of the enemy did not die off with the flood, nor does the race of the enemy look as it once did in its former glory. We do not have giant races today to visually separate us from one another as the serpent's seed however how we can come to know who is of God and who is not is simply by using scripture as our guide.
"Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into this world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God; Every Spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God." 1 John 4:2-3
This scripture becomes a bit confused as we endeavor to separate believer from non believer. To believe is not to rely on what one says; to believe in one's truthful words means to look at one's actions. The words of the heart cannot be separated from what one does. If an individual expresses belief in God to you, their actions will back up the words that they speak. Those individuals who take on the ways of narcissism are NOT believers even though they may know that God is real and that His son was sent. They may understand that this really did happen, but they themselves have not confirmed this truth for themselves as their hearts in speech and their action prove that they have no belief in Jesus. It is important to keep this in mind when dealing with narcissism who confesses that Jesus is Lord, because even Cain followed the rules of God, but he followed them not willingly. He followed them in attempts to gain favor with God that would suit Cain's personal needs.
There are many narcissists whom we love, and who we assume love us, and there are many narcissists who have hidden themselves behind the 'doctrine of love' in attempts to gain a foothold of success in this world. We have unknowingly become their victims, but through the truth of God's word, we will find our ultimate victory in healing with His perfect love because that is who God is as He is the opposite to the narcissistic prideful nature.
The second type of narcissist from a biblical stand point is the narcissist who is made by proxy. Just as we are children who through faith in Jesus become adopted daughters and sons of the Most High, so too the enemy has his adopted children.
The beta male narcissist.
The beta male narcissist is an individual who by nature is not predisposed to narcissism through genetic design. They are exposed to narcissistic behavior through important stages in their life such as infancy, adolescence and adult hood. The beta male narcissist is exposed to an environment of narcissistic behavior that they learn to emulate through imprinting at a young age or through a willful desire to be what they see as power and influence. Such examples of beta male narcissistic upbringing would be seen in homes of foster children and legal adoption, living with extended families away from parental guidance, runaway children and children taken from their homes and placed in environments that are extremely stressful. Whatever the case maybe, the individual is initially placed in a narcissistic environment against their will as they have no choice but to witness and live in this environment either long term or short term. Depending on the individual's formed character, narcissism can take root, mildly or completely or not at all. These individuals are given a choice, to live in the character of the enemy or to seek out the character of God.
A biblical example of this would be the story of Moses. He was born of a Hebrew family and lived with his family until he was weaned from the breast. Then he was placed in an adoptive home; the home of Pharaoh, the Egyptian who was narcissistic in nature. Moses was skilled and educated in the ways of Egyptian religion and lifestyle. He was raised as an heir to the Pharaonic throne. However, he had compassion for others and stood in defense of those who were subject to narcissistic behavior. In standing against narcissism, Moses chose his fate. He chose to live in opposition to it.
Beta male people of influence in the bible:
- The tribes of Israel: The Danites had no land claim and so they attacked a peaceful city that was prosperous and minded their own business. The townsfolk were unsuspecting of Dan and Dan stood behind the city's children in order that the city would not fight back. * Notice the Danites made their choice, as they are not included in the Revelation tribes that are saved from the coming of Jesus.
"Come on, let's attack them! We have seen that the land is very good. Six hundred men from the clan of the Danites, armed for battle, set out from Zorah and Eshtaol. " Judges 18: 9-11
"Putting their little children, their livestock and their possessions in front of them, they turned away and left." Judges 18:21
"The Danites answered, " Don't argue with us, or some hot-tempered men will attack you, and you and your family will lose your lives." Judges 8:18
- Saul: Saul was anointed King over Israel. He did not serve the Lord with all his heart and instead decided that his way of serving God would be satisfactory and bring favor to God. His repentance is feigned in order that he can get his title back and save himself from becoming disposed. Saul made his choice in his heart and eventually tried to save himself from falling into Philistine captivity by falling on his own sword.
"You acted foolishly, Samuel said. You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time."
1 Samuel 13: 13
"The Saul said to Samuel, " I have sinned. I violated the LORD'S command and your instruction. I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them." I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the LORD." 1 Samuel 15:24
Saul became jealous of David, and felt betrayed by his son Johnathan. He could not let go of that someone was more deserving than he of the throne.
"Saul's anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, " You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame." 1 Samuel 20:26 ( Johnathan was unknowingly siding with the son of David; Jesus.
"I have sinned. Come back, David my son. Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again. Surely I have acted like a fool and have erred greatly."
- Solomon: King Solomon was the son of King David who was raised in sincerity to follow God. Like the cherub in the garden, he too allowed wisdom to corrupt his heart and allowed wisdom to give him license to do as he pleased before God. Solomon also made his choice and for this his kingdom became divided.
"so give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong." 1 Kings 3:9
"And if ( If means a choice) you walk in my ways and obey my statues and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." 1 Kings 3:14
"As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been." 1 Kings 11:4
- Judas: Judas was one of the twelve chosen as Jesus' disciples. His lineage is difficult to trace back as the bible does not give his genealogy. Judas was the keeper of the change purse and was stealing from it. When you read his story you can see how the narcissistic influence helped him gain what he wanted in life; money. Judas made his choice his sadness was not genuine repentance and in desperation he took his own life because he could not live with himself.
"What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?" So they counted out for him thirty silver coins." Matthew 26:14
" The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me." Matthew 26:23
There are many examples in the bible that give an accounting of the behavior of a beta male narcissist. The Old Testament is full of the Canaanite and Babylonian character influence on the tribes of Israel. As hard as the traits of narcissism maybe hard to pick out in scripture, Jesus gives us a clear description of whom to be wary of. It is through the teachings of Jesus that share with us how to live a repentant lifestyle that expose the character traits of a narcissist and the varying degrees of narcissism as narcissism is the character of satan's beautiful children.
- Murder: " You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ' Do not murder,' and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment." Matthew 5:21-22
- Adultery: " You have heart that it was said ' Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28
- Divorce: " It has been said, "Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress." Matthew 5:31-32
- Oaths: " Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, " Do not break your oath, but keep your oaths you have made to the Lord. But I tell you, Do not swear at all; either by heaven, for it is God's throne, or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by... Simply let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'No' be 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. " Matthew 5:35-37
- Any eye for an eye: " You have heard that it was said, " Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek turn to him the other also. " Matthew 5:38-39
- Love for enemies: " You have heard that it was said, " Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5: 43-44
- Giving to the needy: "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness before men, to be seen by them. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret." Matthew 6:1-4
- Prayer: " And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father who is unseen." Matthew 6: 5-7
- Treasures in heaven: ' Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy." Matthew 6:19-21
- Do not worry: " Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear." Matthew 6:25
- Judging others: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. " Matthew 7:1-2
- Ask, seek, knock: " Ask and it will be give to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
The teachings of Jesus as shown in the above examples are a shortened illustration to show that each person that had narcissistic tendencies in the bible failed to apply God's law to their hearts in some way. This is no different in times today. Every individual who expresses some sort of narcissistic behavior, grandiose or vulnerable; alpha or beta; is living in selfish desire that gratifies the sinful nature. If they do not see that there is anything wrong with their behavior, and do not make genuine attempts to change, then this is where psychology agrees with God; a narcissist's heart is hardened to the point being that they are who they are and they cannot change. And it is not your job to help them to change.
HELP IS ON THE WAY!
Many people who are victims of narcissists make the mistake of assuming that the individual can change. It does happen, but it is rare. Change only happens when the beta male narcissist sees that their negative behavior is harmful; to them and to others. When this self evaluation takes place, it is up to the individual to make the effort daily to overcome the specific narcissistic traits. This is no different than what is called of all of us; to over come our sin and all of us have sinful tendencies.
It is admirable to try to help, BUT someone who is being victimized by narcissistic behavior by someone they know or love has no business trying to become a rescuer when they need rescue themselves. Am I preaching to the choir? The best thing you can do for you and the situation you are in is to seek to get yourself emotionally healthy.
Remember I mentioned earlier that your empathy can be used against you? The narcissist individual that you unknowingly let into your life got to you through your empathy. Oh yes, it happens, and how it happened to you is because you had no boundaries in place and you went against your better judgment, that silent intuition that is hardly present because you have been taught to trust those who like you or seem nice to you. Empathy is manipulated in us from an early age so we cannot distinguish between someone who has malevolent or benevolent intentions.
The way to discover freedom from narcissistic behavior is to allow your empathy to work for you. Allow it to become an extension of you to be used for you.
" Love your neighbor as yourself." Mark 12:32
Loving yourself from a narcissistic point of view is a twisted and adulterated version of what it means to love. To love yourself means to apply God's love to you in character as understanding God's love allows you to understand that God's love truly is unconditional; for you.
- "Love is patient" : Be patient with yourself in ALL THINGS. Do not give up and do not give into fear and doubt. Do not put any sort of narcissistic projection onto yourself to give yourself reason for defeat.
- "Love is kind": Be kind to yourself. Do not allow yourself to take in words of caustic substance to believe them. You are a unique individual and you have strengths and weaknesses that allow you to enjoy the best of what this life has to offer and to grow and learn from life too.
- "It does not envy": It is easy to ask "God why me?" It is easy to retreat into looking at other people and becoming envious of what they appear to have. What you are going through is not easy, but it is for your growth and your focus is to keep your eyes on the healing process because where envy is, unforgiveness is also.
- "It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
With the love of God as your guide, you can use His word to help you understand the narcissistic tendencies that are opposite of who God is. It is important that you learn to apply God's love to yourself as this is what allows you to reclaim your own self worth and allow empathy to be used for you instead of against you.
Once you begin to see that the problem is not you, it is important for you to remain emotionally unaffected by the narcissistic behavior. Remember, the narcissist needs an audience, and needs to move you emotionally in order that their emotional needs are met. If you remain calm and unmoved they will eventually find a new audience.
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7
"Do not resist an evil person. " Matthew 5:39
Everyone expresses narcissistic traits now and again; this is because we are human and each and every one of us has sin in us we have yet to overcome. However to a narcissist, they express every single sinful trait that the bible tells us to repent of and stay away from. Narcissists embrace the negative and cannot see that their behavior is destructive to them and to the other people they project their behavior onto. It is important for you to always remember that the narcissistic behavior is their responsibility, not yours. You are only responsible for how you react to it. Now you recognize narcissism for what it is, you now have a choice. It is now your responsibility to not allow the enemy to get a foot hold in the situation as you remain in control of you. ( I am not talking about any spiritual being in the room here.) You are simply not allowing the character of the enemy as seen and experienced in the narcissist to allow you to become over powered and defeated by the enemy. Your empathy turned on you will empower you and lift you up to help you recognize that you are special and you are a lovely individual who has a lot to give to this world. The narcissist is but one individual who maybe a fear monger, and their opinion of you is invalid because of who you choose to serve.
Knowledge is power and YOU CAN'T FEAR WHAT YOU KNOW. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
So now that you have a better understanding of what narcissism is and what to look for here are some helpful exercises to empower you to do what you need to do in SAFETY. When you are emotionally stable; get out and stay out. How that happens is you have to first stop believing as this is one of the first steps to letting them go. This happens by you re-establishing your healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundary setting and keeping:
Self reflection exercises:
If you have a narcissist 'friend' who does put you down, address those in the mirror also. Affirm to yourself that you are not who this person says you are. You are who you are and give yourself reasons as to why you are funny, and fun to be around!
Once you have allowed empathy for yourself to take hold of your heart, you will automatically deflect anything your narcissist 'friend' tries to dis-empower you with. You will automatically in your own mind counter attack with soft spoken mind speak that helps to maintain your boundaries and protects your heart from receiving any more of lies fueled with their self loathing.
The days of taking responsibility for how a narcissist feels is over! Please know this, that you can live in freedom even while you have no choice but to live under the same roof as your narcissist 'friend'; sibling, spouse or family member. There are ways to avoid confrontations with them by keeping the topic light, changing the subject and excusing yourself from the room. But the goal for now is to make you the focus of your attention instead of you making the narcissist your focus. If you don't give them what they want; if you don't feed their greed, then they have no choice but to move on and find their supply somewhere else. This gives you enough breathing room to think and to find ways to gain ground as you put distance and space between you and the narcissist.
"People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
"They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth- men of depraved minds who as far as the faith is concerned are rejected. But they will not get very far because as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone." 2 Timothy 3:2-9
It is truly hard to imagine yourself as being someone’s victim, especially if your are being victimized by someone you love. It is important to understand the behavior of a narcissist because as much as you may continue to love them they can't love you and you will never love them enough for them to see that your love is enough. The love you have for your narcissist 'friend' is genuine on your part. However you cannot place the love you have for them above the love you should have for yourself. This is self abandonment as you abandon you to entrust yourself in the care of someone else who can't take care of themselves.
The signs are all there, the instability of your relationship with your significant other, your sibling, your parent or friend is toxic as you've come to realize that they are what is wrong in the relationship and not you. You realize that you cannot meet the supply of affection and attention that they demand. Having read this article and others like it thoroughly, has finally convinced you of the decision you know you have to make is the right one; for you.
It's time to put you first. It's time to address the situation by taking back your right to life and let the narcissist live theirs. It is not your responsibility to make that person feel complete nor can you fix them. You realize that the emotional issues go far reaching into their being than what you can help them with. Today is the day you realize that all you can do to help them is to help yourself. The best help your narcissistic friend can get from you at this point is to allow yourself to stop enabling their behavior. It is time to get yourself emotionally strong so you can stop their behavior towards you by eventually walking away.
Your ultimate goal should be walking away clean. The information you take away from this article is a small step but it is a step in the right direction. The path to healing is long because it takes you in a direction of self awareness that shares with you some deep truths that only living with a narcissist can reveal. That's okay. No one is perfect but in the struggle to perfectly define you as you allow God's direction to design you, the you you are meant to become shows up!
The Word of God is a wonderful tool of direction to help you become aware of narcissistic behavior and how we as believer's are supposed to deal with the combative nature of narcissism. Becoming aware of the signs is taking a proactive stance to be ready the next time a narcissist should ever cross your path. (There will be a next time; and another next time, and another next time after that.) Understanding the ways of narcissism allows you to take a stand in your current situation that will lead to recovery. It. just. takes. time.
Narcissism has its origins within biblical history. Through deep biblical research we are shown that the origins of narcissism comes from the one who ultimately stands against God. Through the curse given to the serpent in the garden of Eden, and passed down to each of his generations; satan's seed, satan's beautiful children are finally revealed.
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Think you know a narcissist? Are you living with one and are tired of living the bat sh$$ crazy life? Do you have a story? We all have a story, one or two... or a handful... Discover the hidden depths of narcissism and how you can heal from narcissistic ways through the word of God in a way that allows you freedom and success. Contact Shannon Gilmour your Spiritual life coach and mentor today for information on how you can take part in discovering emotional freedom by understanding the roots of narcissism.
My journey into the world of narcissism began when my marriage was challenged for the second time and I was challenged to the core of my being... I discovered that IT WAS NOT ME... and I DISCOVERED HOW to take back ME and live in freedom....
About the author
Shannon Malaka address key issues in your life by sharing with you her personal experiences. Addressing the issue of narcissism was something that she stumbled on by accident when addressing issues within her own life. The strength and healing that came with deep bible study is something that empowered Shannon to see through her own challenging issues of narcissism, both as a victimizer and victim.
Shannon struggled with issues of narcissism as she was a child of the Canadian foster child system. She witnessed narcissism and was the victim of it at a very early age and that followed into foster care. Using this as a model to live by, Shannon herself began to use narcissistic behavior against those she loves.
" I realize I have been a victim, but that victimization does not excuse my narcissistic behavior. Being introduced to God at a young age is what helped save me from myself in my adulthood. Not without damaging hearts and wounding relationships with people I loved. Taking responsibility for my actions and living a life in fear (like a child loves their parent) of God is what helped to undo SOME of the damage of narcissism. "
Once Shannon began to allow God to work out the beta male narcissistic tendencies in her own life, she then began addressing the narcissistic people she allowed in her life and shares a bit of that discovery with you in the above article entitled: Narcissism, Satan's beautiful children.
Shannon is a Life coach to help you understand and cope with inner turmoils and every day challenges in life. Shannon is your life coach of "Designing You " women's web retreat that helps you understand and get rid of self limiting beliefs from God's perspective of divine design. Discover hope and healing in this two day self help recovery retreat today!